I lived !! Hahaha

So I ended up in the hospital A few days ago , Over heart problems and A panic attack. I am under so much stress and I guess it all caught up to me ! I am fine now . I asked the doctor if I was going to live and as soon as he said yes and told me what was wrong I got the hell out of there ! They wanted to keep me and if anyone knows me well " I fear hospitals !!! I do not like em at all ! And I refuse to go A lot when I really should ! I was getting many phone calls once news broke and I wanted to throw my cell out of the room ! After they got my heart back to beating normal I was ready to get out of there ! And out I was ! I have been under a lot of stress lately and I guess it all just build it and I let it go ! Almost fucking killed me ! Anyways one crying about that. So I have to write about this little thing that is biting at my leg ! Every time I turn around I am hearing how A ex boyfriend is writing about me or talking shit about me , Crying poor me poor me she was so mean ! Boooo!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought I had expressed what I felt and everything would be over ! Fuck I am so wrong !!!!! Okay I hate talking about this person " Thought of his name makes my skin crawl and vomit ! Everyone knows how I feel about this man ! I made A huge mistake going out with this guy ! So why does he continue to talk shit and cry to everyone ? What A fucking baby ! He is not even A man and I really mean that ! You can not help A helpless soul and I never met anyone like him and I do not mean that in A good way ! Every time I turn around it is something new ! He does not understand that some of his friends still talk to me . And I have told the ones that are letting me know his drama " That I do not care ! But somethings really get under my skin ! If you are that sad in you're life where you have to make people feel sorry for you just so you can get attention " Then get A rope and kick the fucking chair ! Or wake up and do something about you're self ! Why sit around and make people feel sorry for you and blame everyone else for the way you are ? It makes no sense to me ! I felt bad for this guy even after what he pulled and it was bad ! And I still wished him the best , But after hearing everything and blah blah blah ...... I was fed up and so sick that I would have offed myself but I am too much of A bitch to give my haters A smile ! It's like he is raping me with his words and they are not true ! Maybe some of the things are but not the shit I heard ! This man has went so far to tell me he was trap by his wife with A child . Hmmmm.... I do not believe that one bit ! She told me the story on how he begged her to have his child and he did the same to me and he will say the same thing to the next girl. That is just how he works and that's all he knows. He has been with his wife for 10 years and How she has put up with his lies is beyond me . I played A big part in his life and I think his wife is fucked up just like him. Talking to her on the phone all those times made my head spin . I got sick after it. I have been through my share of fucked up guys and he is the worst ! He acts very normal when you first meet him and you really do not get to know him till you live with him. Now I will admit I am A fucked up girl and I am in know way shape or form to say I am normal, So for me to say he is bad means he is bad ! I tried to have him break away and stand on his own without his parents help and to show them he can do it ! And I was so wrong ! He will live off you and soak up all you're energy ! I was A wreck with him and I knew pretty early I could not trust him ! He would have his parents get on the phone and tell me that him and his wife are not together and he even told me she was gay and I thought it was true ! Anyone that is A ATM for him he will keep around and I would not be that. He told me things that I knew no one knew ! I know his wife did not even know some of his secrets and she was with him for 10 years ! So that right there told me that We both was living with A stranger and we both did not know who he was ! He would write shit on paper on how he wanted me to have everything if he died and I was his soul mate and the love of his life and the whole time I knew the truth and I knew he was full of shit ! He thinks he is this big rock star and no one knows who he is. I tried to help him and all he wanted was pills that is all and that is the reason he stays where he is at is cause he is scared to leave the nest and I told him you have to get away to let the world hear you're music and get you're head together . I had him where he wanted to get off the drugs and stay clean and he was looking so much better , Everyone said it ! It was like he had something to live for . Before he didn't . His family does not care that he is eating pills like crazy and drinking whiskey at the same time and walking around like A zombie. And he would write letters to me while he was sitting in the room with me telling me he did not want to talk to his family and that he hated his wife for having a child without asking him and I would tell him to contact these people and tell them how he feels and talk to them and he would not ! He would tell me to do it and I did not feel right doing that . He would tell me things about his past and I would feel sorry for him knowing my past was worse but I still felt bad for him. Now I do not know if some of it is true . But I do know his wife let out A lot of things to me and I could not believe I brought this man to my family's home. He still keeps A picture me in his wallet for what I have been told. There was times that I was worried if he was going to come home and catch him with A man or A woman, Cause that is how he is . He wanted to not be A father at all and I did not know if I could trust A man who walks away from his child. I would ask him why he does not want to be A father to his child but he begged me to have one by him ! I have it writing down from him how much he wanted a child from me . Thank god I used my brain as soon as i did !!! But he would tell me how he knew he was going to walk out of her life someday. And I thought wow what kind of man would do that ? And I would ask him all the time are you sure you want to do that ? And it was all for the fact he didn't want to pay for her and He wants to be A rock star and not a father . He over and over has said to me and others that he blames the child and the mother for ruining his music and his life and he also wrote that down in a book that my mother has . He also told me that he knows that there is Another child of his out there from another woman. Right there I thought omg I have to get away from this guy. I thought everyday how did I get mixed up with him and I would tell him to leave and go home where he belongs. We was not good for each other and I knew that from the start. It was like he wanted to live in my world and Ya I have friends in high places with music and whatever and He was just A mess. I did not want to give up on him , I felt that everyone else did give up on him and I was the only one who knew his fears and watched him cry and hurt. He told me I was the only one he has ever opened up to cause I knew where he was coming from . The first day I was with him " He was in A room at A friends house in there kids room cutting himself up and writing on paper with his blood , THAT HE LOVES ME FOREVER WITH MY NAME . I saw that and to tell you the truth it was kind of A turn on at first and then after I saw my name carved in him in more then 2 places on his body I was worried. I did not know how to handle him ! He was always love me love me and I did try to leave the first week I was with him , I got A plane ticket and he begged me to stay , Telling his father he could not let me go. I really wish I would have left then. It would have saved him and I a lot of trouble and not going through the hell the the future was on it's way to bring. When we was finally over I knew I had to put myself back together and make a decision in my life that was hard for me to do but I had to do it . Sometimes it is hard for me to forget but I am A tuff lady and I feel I can overcome anything ! I am strong . And my family and friends who know me best can say I have been through straight hell and back and back again. There is nothing I have not seen or done really. I am not proud of my past but I do not hide it . Someday I will come face to face with my past and I think that is when the book comes out. I have people who write me A few times A month and ask me if my life is true and was I hooked on Heroin half my teenage years and part of my 20's ? And I do not lie to them , I tell them the truth and that is what makes me real. I do not really have A choice " There are people from my past that are starting to speak out even if it is the truth or lies. So why life if someone ask me something about my past ? That part of my life is so over ! But I feel very strongly that the music sucks these days and if you have what it takes to change it and the talent and you make good music ? Then why waste it ? Get the fuck out there ! If you wait and sit around for someone else to do it , You will never get any no where . You're A waste ! I do not listen to the radio at all ! But the weird thing about that is that Dj's know that but they still ask for me to give interviews . Funny !!!!! I mean I can have some kind of respect some of the artist that are out now , Do not get me wrong , But this is my opinion , Does not mean everyone has to think how I think ! I am just so done with all the he said she said shit. If anyone could come out with any proof of what they say about me I would be more then happier to say yup that is true. Other then that if you think you're over me you're not and if you think you can forget about me you wont. So what more can I say ? I could really be evil and let out all of the bullshit . But I do not want to do that ! I do not get off on ruining peoples lives, I just don't ! I have to tell close friends of mine not to attack this person or these people or whatever. It wont solve anything ! I guess that is why I write on here to get it all out ! I do not care who reads it or if anyone reads this . Just as long as I get it out and it makes me feel better that is all that matters ! I am A fucking human being and we all make fucking mistakes ! Some of us learn from them and some of us just keep feeding off of them and making more mistakes. I am 30 years old I am not the same girl I used to be ! I used to not care at all who I hurt ! I would come up to you if you was starting shit with me and just beat the shit out you ! Did not care where we would be at or who it was in front of . I was A fucking bad girl and I mean one of the worst ! And it was sad ! I did not like that person at all ! But I was not going to be walked on ! You was going to know what I could or would do to you ! I was very scary to date and be friends with ! And that girl is gone now and I want to keep it that way ! Yes I have A temper and I try my best to control it and I think I have done A good job ! I finally decided I have to grow up and stop all the bullshit ! And it is like there are some people out there that want me to go back to that awful girl and I am fighting myself ! And that is why I had A panic attack ! If you are doing better then them and they know that ? the haters will try to bring you down as best as they can ! And what they do not understand is that they are doing you A favor ! People are always interested in the trouble and the bad ones ! Know one wants to here about A good girl . And they also show how badly there are fucking stalkers 1 Going on myspace and searching profiles of you're Haters or exes is just down right creepy ! I think looking to date someone is creepy on myspace. You never know what the fuck you are going to meet. Myspace is not real life ! If you have something to say then say it to there face ! Hello !!! Why do people fight on that site ? All you're doing is sitting behind A computer getting more upset ! Fuck that I rather be in you're face ! At least you know it is coming from my mouth ! You can hear me ! For me blogging gets everything out that I want to say ! And if you think it is about you then maybe you are doing something wrong and you know it ! If it walks like A duck , Talks like A duck then it is A duck ! If you do not like what I am saying then do not read it ! It is that simple !